Women’s History Timeline
For The Onion‘s salute to the Woman, our Advisory Board on Matters Pertaining to Women voted on the most important events in the history of the Woman and presented them in chronological order for easy reading, for women!
- 9000 BC – Stairs invented; Women provided with effective excuse for injuries sustained from abusive, alcoholic husbands.
- 220 BC – First woman ordered back to kitchen.
- 40 BC – Early obstetricians achieve a medical breakthrough with the discovery that women can give birth lying down instead of squatting over pointed rocks; infant mortality drops 75%
- 1450 – Johannes Gutenberg invents printing press, prints first unachievable female body type.
- 695 – Gills completely bred out of human female population.
- 1278 – Development of mirror reveals existence of vagina.
- 1431 – Joan of Arc, national heroine of France, revolutionizes the short hairstyle for women.
- 1839 – While cooking for her owners, Harriet Tubman expands a two–serving recipe into a four–serving recipe.
- 1920 – American women win right to be disenchanted with political process.
- 1941 – Joan Fontaine overcomes the gender barrier by becoming first woman to win an Academy Award for Best Actress.
- 1950 – Women largely ignored for a decade.
- 1952 – Women gain long overdue respect in workplace with the first observance of National Secretaries Week.
- 1953 – Female exhibitionists win long struggle to get Hugh Hefner to start Playboy.
- 1963 – Betty Friedan f**ks her way to the top of the Modern Feminist Movement.
- 1982 – Home Shopping Network premieres.
- 1984 – Women in the workplace jump ahead 20 years when Mac’s unveils the first power suit.
- 2004 – “The Rachel” finally goes out of style.
- 2007 – Scientists announce they’re ten years away from an effective speculum warmer.